The Perfect Course

I've been asked several times what "MY" perfect golf course looks like.  I guess touring around the states playing the Top 100 qualifies me somewhat in that I've seen some very nice courses but keep in mind I've only played public courses and still have truly know idea what a private club would feel like.  I imagine it mind tend on the stuffy and privileged side of life of which I am not accustomed but wouldn't mind having enjoyed.  Alas, I was born with that proverbially described silver spoon.

The perfect course begins with history.  You have to knwo something about the course before even being there.  And by history I mean either it has history of being played by PGA professionals either in regular tour events like Bethpage Black or TPC Sawgrass or being the home course of a PGA legend like Sam Sneed would be to Greenbrier or Ton Watson to Homestead.  Just walking into the clubhouse at Greenbrier tells you you're in a very special golf place.

After history the perfect golf course continues with the "Wow" or "Awesome" factor.  And yes, I'm still talking public here.  When you drive up to the club house what is your first impression?  Is it, "What am I doing here?"?; Wow, that's nice."; or "WOW! That's NICE!!".  If it's the third impression you've at least passed the first view test to the perfect course.  I know many of you might be saying to yourself, "What's a clubhouse got to do with the course." and the answer is nothing but it has everything to do with the overall experience and that I include in my "Perfect Course" description.

When you first walk into the clubhouse do you get the feeling of being set back in time 50, 60, even 100 years where the only ones entering would have been the super rich?  Are you greeted as if you belong no matter what you look like or what you're wearing?   How is the cuisine, the gift shop and the bathrooms.  So far I've discovered only three courses that had the perfect showers - strong and full; those being Pinehurst, Greenbrier and Olde Stonewall - Olde Stonewall taking the prize at this moment over Greenbrier but only because their wash clothes are big enough where you could actually wash and scratch your back with ease.  Love those towels!!!  Hey, it's the little things that put one course over another.

Carts (if you're not walking): The carts have got to be electric and fully charged.  Nothing worse than either the herky-jerky motion of the old gas lawn-motor engine powered carts or an electric cart dying on you in the middle of a round.  The perfect cart would have at three things on it: 1) GPS even though if it's 'cart path only' the GPS isn't going to do you much good; 2) ball and club cleaning box, and 3) a cooler.  And the GPS should have real-time updates of any current sporting events.

Now to the course.  Groomed, groomed, groomed.  A great or perfect course is going to be well groomed from the tee box to the green.  And I know money is tight but nothing tells me more that the course management is letting the course slip than getting on the first and not being able to find a nice even spot to set my tee.  Yeah, yeah!  Picky, but we are talking perfection here.

Fairways have got to be even and smooth.  Rolling hills, contours I accept as part of the game but finding too many divots not repaired or driving down or across the fairway and having your drink spill because the fairway may not have been rolled when first layout is unacceptable in a "perfect" world.

Greens have to run run sure, smooth and consistent.  Nothing more irritates me than being on one green and the putt moving at a 5 clip then moving to next green to find the speed is now a 13.  But to be honest I haven't found this to be a problem.  Most courses I've played the green speed has been pretty consistent.  And please no hokie or goofy golf locations for the holes on the greens.  If the speed of the greens are US Open fast then don't place the hole on the side of a contour.  Again, nothing irritates me more than to leave a putt an inch short only to have it role back 5, 10 or even 40 feet back to where I just hit it from.  False fronts or one thing but when you penalize a golfer when he lags a putt to within an inch or two that's just wrong in my humble opinion.  Now, if I putt it past the hole a foot or so and it meanders down another contour 5 or 10 feet or even further, that's fair - horribly agonizing - but fair.

Are there plenty of yardage markings on the fairways, ball cleaners at each whole (if they aren't on the carts), drinking water at strategic locations.  Does each hole have a description at the beginning of each hole - not everyone has played there and understands the major nuances of a particular whole.  How many of us have hit what they thought was a perfect drive only to walk or drive up to find a hidden gully or creek staring us in the face. I call that trick golf and it's akin to goofy golf.  Some sort of warning is warranted.

When you get done golfing are there spike cleaners fastened down for you to clean your shoes.  Those lose ones set on the ground that move every time you swipe your shoe just don't make the grade.  I don't want to have to work to clean my shoes, simply swiping them should suffice.

That's it - my description of the perfect golf experience.  Maybe adding a nice massage at the end of the round would be extra nice but have yet to experience that luxury.  Ha!

Now I can already hear the purist saying "Why do you need a cart?"  Well some of us are getting up there in years and walking 18 holes isn't in the cards any more.  Besides I defy any to walk the back nine at some of the courses I've played.  I'll use Olde Stonewall as an example.  On some of the trails leading from one hole to another I wasn't sure the cart would make it much less someone with not-so-young-legs!  Good luck!!

And happy trails in finding that perfect course.